The Blackfoot Valley's News Source Since 1980

Of baptisms, calving and making the most of an embarrassing situation

Matt stood in front of the mirror knotting the $80 silk tie his wife had given him for his birthday. He called to her, asking, "What time to we have to be at the church?"

Liz, his wife, answered, "We'll leave here in a half-hour. The baptism is after the service, so we have a little time." Matt and Elizabeth were going to be godfather and mother to their daughter's first child and their first grandchild. It was a big occasion for everyone but Matt.

Matt called back, saying, "Well since we're running early, I'm going to take a look at the heifers. One looked pretty heavy when I fed this morning"

"Don't use the pickup. You'll come back with your suit covered in dog hair, and embarrass me like you usually do," Liz said.

"Don't worry, Liz," Matt said, "I know better than that."

Matt walked out to the car, his dog following. He noticed that his wife had gotten the car washed and detailed the day before. "I wonder what that cost," he asked himself.

The dog jumped into the front seat as soon as the door opened. Matt knew that was prohibited, but a short drive through the heifers wouldn't do any damage. Plus the dog was clean.

As Matt closed the gate into the heifer lot he saw one of the few remaining pregnant heifers down and calving. He drove quickly to her, sat and watched.

The head of the calf looked big, and the heifer was small. Matt decided to keep and eye on her until she had the calf.

Fifteen minutes later the heifer had made no progress, although she was trying hard. Matt decided to pull the calf so he could relax during mass and the baptism.

When he approached the heifer she made no attempt to get up. She was tired from the efforts of birth. Matt grabbed the calf's front feet and pulled, but could get no grip on the still wet legs. He looked at the car and knew there were no calving chains in it, and no rope either.

In desperation Matt removed his $80 silk tie and tied it to the calf's front legs. He grasped the tie and gave a strong pull. Nothing.

Ignoring the slop on the semi-frozen feed ground, Matt sat down, put his feet on the heifer's hind quarters and pulled. He tore the tie in half, but got the calf's head out. The hard part was over.

Matt got up and pulled rest of the calf the out of the birth canal. The mother struggled to her feet, turning to nuzzle and talk to the calf. Matt knew the baby would live. Feeling good about life, he returned to the car.

When the dog jumped into the back seat, Matt noticed that he had rolled in a pile of fresh cow manure. Matt thought, "It'll dry, and maybe Liz won't even notice."

She was waiting at the yard gate when Matt drove in. "Where have you been?" She asked. "We're almost late."

"Oh, I had to help a heifer with its calf," Matt answered. "It lived and it's a good calf."

"Well this car reeks of cow manure, and I just got it cleaned for the baptism and dinner," Liz said, "You just don't care about keeping things nice."

She was starting to breathe through her teeth. and Matt knew that it was a bad sign. It was going to be a long day.

They had to sit with her daughter and her family at the very front of the church. Liz led the way up the aisle, and Matt heard mumbles as he passed each pew. He wondered what the talk was about.

When the service was over and the congregation rose, Matt was ahead of Liz on their way to the back for the baptism. He heard a deep, guttural gasp from her as she fell in behind him.

At the baptism, Liz stood closely behind Matt, and when, as godparents, they had to move to the front, she pushed him roughly to the far side of the baptismal font so he was facing the people who stayed for the ritual.

As they went to the car, Liz refused to walk at Matt's side, staying closely at his back. "That woman is getting weirder all the time," thought Matt.

A number of Matt's friends came up to him, patting his shoulder and saying things like, "Don't worry, Matt. Things like that happen to all of us as

we age." After the third comment similar to the first, Matt figured they were talking about his crazy wife or his balding head. He forgot them immediately, thinking instead about the new calf that he had to check on when he got home.

Liz said nothing during the drive to the ranch. She looked intensely out her window, but Matt thought he could hear a low moan once in a while. "I wonder what's wrong, now?" thought Matt.

It was when they walked into the house that she broke loose. "Matt, you're a big coward. You couldn't admit to me that you had diarrhea. Instead you traipsed around in front of the entire congregation with your pants absolutely filthy on the seat. Why didn't you tell me you were sick? I had at least twenty people ask if you were OK, and if maybe you're getting senile. Get those clothes off and clean yourself up. Take a good shower. You're as bad as that dog."

Matt shuffled into the bedroom and took off the suit. It was when he tossed the pants on the bed that he noticed the huge cow manure stain on the seat.

"That must have happened when I sat down to pull the calf," he thought. "I have a lot of people to explain things to."

As he put on his work clothes, Matt considered another measure. He would allow everyone, including Liz, to think that occasionally he lost control of his bowels. and he could use that as an excuse to miss tedious meetings and family dinners. His life would become simpler.

Then Matt thought, "I better go cut that tie off of that calf's legs. If Liz sees that, I'm in real trouble."

 

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